* * *

There is a room, where the lightbulb has gotten dirty.
The light shines with murky illumination, distracting flies
from their landing trajector. This way they never
can burn themselves. They never lose their ignorance.

Bleak trees lick the windless desert, behind these
high windows, that angry voice of obedience has
shattered every square of glass. The everlasting
storm finally have stopped. Stopped screaming.

The hallow silence remains inside. Is there ever end
to this malady that grows on the walls?. Spreading its
black roots, digging deeper in the the living,
that only I can water from this delicious starvation.

Where is this bed with this ever sleeping corpse?.
Where is this bed where lays a woman, grief dripping
out from that cracked skin?. Drop by drop, the blanket
of of blood is being poured out. To the floor. To the floor,
covered with scribbled words from echoes.

Soundless, endless fall. 

The ever lasting storm has finally stopped 

just so it all could start from the beginning once again...

Play of the Prey

You lie to me, and then brake the knees.
Self mutilation comes with guilt.
Let the red flow.
Let the red become your conqueror.

The sound of heavy rain drowns us.
Relapsed into one infinity.
New God is the graves in the wall.
New Black is the morning light
shining on our entwined bodies.

Deceived by the medicine.
Are these memories still yours?.
Are these memories still available?.

You suffocate me, and then smash the wings.
Self adoration comes with praise.
They only watch you suffer.
Be the prey and play.

11th August 2010
MHK
Inspired by new album of Deftone :: Diamond Eyes

The Malady

The room is full of notes,
sharp like knives and daggers.
Cutting through the solitude,
ripping it apart, ripping it sharp.

Hole in this soul is full of poison.
Black as the demon wings.
Every island is burnt down,
by the storms that remain as your eyes.

I take the pleasure and rip you down,
down from that high pedestal.
I want to watch how the blood flows,
how the heart slows down from the eternal beating.

You are wearing a mask on this rotten face.
Hiding, like I don't know.
Like I don't know how everything about you
is just a clockwork of another malady.

* * *

I want to dig into your lying corpse,
dig my fingers behind those bones.
Drink empty your fading, beating heart.
You are the Butterfly and I am the Butcher.

I nail you on the wall with all these colorful paperpins.
Feel it.
Feel it drop down behind your toes.
I cover the floors with flies,
and lay you sleep on their shattered wings.

Hear it.
Listen every muttered word of those stitched lips.
I cover the floors with masks,
and lay you sleep on their shattered eyes.
Sleep, my child, sleep, like there is no end
to the day that has just begun.

May 2010

Your wings have stains, but not from the sins.
It lasted until the winters ended,
but the spring never came,
…but the spring never came.

The mirror cracks from your terror,
that was meant for another prey.
Collapse of glass is not the only thing to fall,
not the only thing to relapse,
in the rain of blood and limbs.

I rest my head on your broken shoulder.
The wires are hanging loose.
We’re not risking with our lives,
just the time has unwind your mannequin youth.

The halo is burning holes into the paper.
Did you hear, when it all stopped turning?.
Did you?.

The Warmth

I fall asleep, wrapped inside the bedspread,
From where Your warmth haven’t left yet.
You are between my arms.
Here.


Inside you,
There are so many different small worlds.
Are you a human being,
Honestly, I don’t know.


When we first met,
You saved my smile from the street,
Who dangled its feet, sitting on the fence.
Dropped and left aside by the last passer.


And always you’ll exist,
When I’ll call:
“Tomorrow, tomorrow You certainly come.”

When It Rains

when it rains
all the leaves has fallen up into the skies
the cold skin flickers
candle on the windowsill
the flame is dying
are you coming?.


are you coming when it rains?.
we miss you, we hate you equally
we miss the world to end
but you only speak of the nights
where leaves are falling up into the skies


when it rains, when it rains
the posthumous flowers climb out from the dirt
in the backyard where we used to swing
and dance on the roofs with angus and julia stone


are you coming and taking me with?.
back to the everlasting spring
where leaves are falling down to the Earth



08.may.2010

The Beach

I see myself.
Standing on the beach.
There is silence, but there is also the wind.
A lonely small bird battling with the waves,
the rush against the shore with the best strength,
that they have to offer.
My toes sink into the cold sand.
The best way, the best sanctuary to find;
& the sun is drowning into timeless waves.
Not many of people passing by.
Red short hair caught into the wind
& cigarette smoke. She is bitter. She is the end.
She is the beautiful rose that stings.


This beach is inside of me.
And to get there,
you need to kill my eyes.
This is the key into
the beach that is inside of me.

March 2010

4 days to run.

4 days of illustrative maniacs in my head.

It is ugly up there.

A horrific fairytale.

But oh my, oh my, I do not complain.

Every being is yin and yang.

We all have darker side.

Some of us has it more grotesque than others.

And then there is light.

Which side draws you the most?.

Or you like to linger on the edge?.

Play with bottles filled with colors like gray-grey.

* * *

We have sat in strangers’ kitchen.

Smoked their cigs and drank their heavy liquid.

We would do it again.

Without any companion.

Only the smashing music pulsing and beating from the walls.

Refrigerator melting in deadly peace.

Last pair of blood sausages kneeling over the emptiness.

Haunting in this desert of cage.

This Road

And the seagulls are collecting the flesh
from the sharp bones of the sea.
Having another pair of eyes
for their oracle collection.
Another lost keys for the iron locks,
rust swallowing what’s left from the wrecks.
The sparkling soul, drowning towards the end.
Towards the abyss of paperhearts.
Fake and unreliable.

Never thought this road ends with a cliff.

White Lies

City streets are flushed over with dirt.
Cats find their corpses and take the skin on the 7th walk.
Orphan is playing monkey drums in the basement.
All the candles have died down.
The monkey is sitting in the gutter.
His hands are playing in the sea of teardrops.
Silently. The red stripes have formed theatrical circus.


Thousand eyeballs of Loch Ness monster
canned for coming winter.
Naked harlequin rolling up the sleeves
for the ghosts, who sleep with princesses.
To collect them. To drain them.


“Welcome to my world, sire.”
The chessman’s coat is covered with blue.
Pour out the blood, child.
Drain our the life.
Your home is over the edge.


Gamble rambles and become free.
Who decides if you are insane or not?.
Ask from the voices in your head.
Maybe they will give you the map.
Maybe they will give you the passport and a knife.

Kings and Queens

We are going side by side.
Holding hands.
Shoulders embracing the warmth.
Don’t let the stars fade away.
Become who you are and be who you will never be.


The whole day have been so strange.
So strange have been the past few weeks.
Dreams are enchanted, and painful.
Never want to wake up, and not sure if I truly have during my awake hours.


The fields are empty, and the bird has fallen.
Single shot from lonely hunter, to fill the craving in his heart and soul.
To fill the cold spot, what was left behind, after the death of the wife.
After the feelings fled into the street full of walking corpses.


My lips are dry.
Try to look above, into the skies.
Try, try, try. Do, do, do.
To live fully, you don’t need to fulfill
the dreams and illusions of others.
To live with full emotion,
you don’t need to betray and lie.
You don’t need to create false memories and illusions.
Don’t, don’t, don’t.
Life, death, reincarnation.


We have grown apart and then we wander.
Why haven’t we noticed, that we have been in love with a stranger?.
And then we do understand. Hopeless and drained we feel.
The ache in our veins is false and just a small part of the jigsaw.
Yes, we keep collecting the pieces,
that the other “half” is pulling down.
And the promises, that were once made,
are all behind the horizon.
Only the Tearmaster will know,
if the rivers will be floated over or maintain the drought.


The blind man is never dark.
The deaf ear is never silent.
The mute lips are never tranquil.
They have more than any “ideal” person.
They are whole.
Their imperfection makes them perfect.


And we wander more, why have everyone changed so much.
Yet we are blind to the fact, that this is us, who have evolved.
Hard to accept, people move to you and pass by.
People come and go, they choose you to company on their journey
or dump beside the highway.
On these days, this is rare.
It is rare, when you will collect friendship of lifetime.
Somehow it all matters, teaches and we learn.
We want, but our desires are wrong.
Or our wantings does not match with the desires.
And then we take wrong turn on the crossroads.
And curse ourselves for being a fool.


Hang on, we say to our partners in crime.
To our friends we promise.
And then leave everyone behind.
Lie through stupid and weak apologies.
Lie is something that makes us all weak.
Speaking the truth may hurt, but through hurt we grow stronger.
And being stronger makes us better persons.
We might survive the future.

.Ax2.

Again. Again.
The lips are scarred and soft.
The face might not be my own.


“Keep on running, keep on running,
there’s no place like home.”
Repeating between the dead streets.


Again. Again.
The eyelashes beat against the fingers.
They don’t know.
They…

{{Inspired by White Lies.}}

Express B

Express in my mind is gathering more speed.
Braziers spread heat and collapse.
Funnels whistle, steam wind up the northern gale.


Cabins are filled with drunk clowns.
Facial paint on the walls.
Words written down with passionate hate.


“Do we ever have the pleasant smile
from a child of horror and lies?.”


The dots have fled.
Running freely on fields with deers.
Hiding inside their fur coats and secret light.
Playing hangman games between their horns.
The dots have fled from the pain and suits.

“Do we ever have the wretched soul
playing with dolls and hide-n-seek?.”

So Sorry

Sorry, that I aint in kolledz or university.
Sorry, that I dropped out from school.
Sorry, that I don’t have job.
Sorry, that you pay my unpayed bills.
Sorry, that I aint perfect daughter,
working as a priest, lawyer or a vet.
Sorry, that I am constantly tired
and drowning my own fake happiness.
Sorry, that all I do is smoke and cause trouble.
Sorry, that you are tired from long day of work
and I am watching some stupid show from TV.
Sorry, that I haven’t cooked.
Sorry, that I take out the laundry,
take out the dog, wash your dishes.
Sorry, that you aint asking no help.
Sorry, that you have the job and I aint.
Sorry, that the world economy is smashed
and I am just another unemployee.
Sorry, that I have no degree in marketing.

So sorry, that you keep steping on my feelings.
So sorry, that cause of you I feel so low.
So sorry, that you have no idea,
why I cut and twist in rage.
So sorry, that your words make me turn
and wish to drop dead.
So sorry, that your tone wants me
to run away from home again.
So sorry, that I try hard to avoid
heroin, LSD and dope.
So sorry, that I avoid
of how to eat and throw up.
So sorry, that I am afraid
you end up commiting suicide
before I do.
So sorry, that you eat Xanax,
just cause I have ruined your nervs.

You shouldn’t have given me no birth,
when all I cause is hurt.
You should’ve killed me,
as you have killen me from deep inside.
All I ask is respect and hope,
but all I get
is another crack in my broken cocoon.

{{ About the relationship with mother(s). }}

Oh, Adam!.

These shadows have darkened.
The winter has fallen and the King has
been killed by the first man.

Oh, Adam, why do you wish such doom
upon our clouded souls?.
Oh, Adam, who is the demon
by your side?.

We walk shoulder by shoulder.
Our hope entwined with everlasting scar.
The canticle became the holy water
to all of unborn sins.

The essence of the God
is giving a secret note trough
the light of frosted leaves.

Expostulation echoes through the freedom.
They have blinded you by their own lies.
Thine eyes bleeding within the tears.
Spread your wings, and fly into the eternity.
The love, the passion, these secret desires
you leave behind with affliction and hesitation.
Go, child, and tear yourself apart…

The Lullaby

The highway is colored in red
My optical pavements and the wind
Turning into blue
And the street lamps grow
Trough summers last night
Trees will take an oath
And the leaves are my reincarnation
It is the time for the autumn
Soon the winter will start
After the fading and the breakdown
And the heart of mine will fall silent
And in me there are three parts..
The Spring inside Neverland
The Summer behind the Autumn
And the Autumn – eating my eyes drain
I will never take away this mask
Mask of forgiveness and profoundness
A truth lies behind it
And the pupation of the collapse
And the white noise inside me
And the awakening of the waiting
We will never hear each others calls
‘Cause all beauty must die
When you touch me
And the shadows on the car ceiling
When you have learned every note of my soul
And the lights on the highway
When your life have just begun
And still all I can find
Are the highway and no lights on the road?

Still

Wrapped inside the paper
You hide yourself from the world
Away from the world
You’ve put aside your eyes


And inside the day you find no shelter


But they will come through you
Still
Breathing
Flying over the weeping paper mountains


And they will come through you
Still
Through crossed out words
What can not protect you no more

Red Shoes

I had so many emotions to get rid off.
And words what to claim from life,
Have hidden itself from time to time
Away from people who had no face
Or no truth to go on.

I’m sorry, but even I had once wings,
Three stars on each one.
So unpretentiously life grazed me,
This fine apocalypse.
And even on summer
The snow is falling for me
’cause in my heart the winter is growing,
Every year more perfect…
And the winds,
From where I can hear the words so supernatural
They play to me dances about white horses

Memories from lives lived before-
These are the echo ahead.
Just like jazz orchestra
And listening this you’ll find different ways to enjoy.

I fell in love of world’s small things
And I wasn’t in love with this place called My Head.
I reach out for the golden, old telephone.
It is the door for my glory,
For my goodbyes.
And I wish I could only know what the words…are
Words of morning.
And I pray for the sins that me and my lover once made
Lover of sunshine.

I was crying and smiled trough all this.
Please don’t fade, dancing shoes in red.
I promise – they are just flies –
Something more,
But yet more beautiful than roundelay in your backyard.

Play to me blues on violin,
Play drum’n'bass on flute.
Asking impossible is like lucid dream,
But it’s all I can ask.
Don’t be afraid.
It is all so easy!.

The Garden of Inner Sanctuary

The trees keep screaming in this hollow garden,
where the sun shines only once in a year.
Here is the herbaceous stone bench,
last withering lilies embracing the pedestal.
Here is the forgotten swing attached to the wind.
Here are the rare scraps of the malady.
& here,
these ultra melancholy memories taunt me.

The gnarled birch has pupated,
leaving its milkwhite skin into the yesterday.
Between these sore violin melodies,
it has become the crimson silence.

In this garden hide themselves these poets,
who’s hearts have grown together.
They wander on these empty highways,
calling for the retired words.

Tomorrow is the day after forever,
where the inner sanctuary collapses.
Just cause the burden is too heavy.
Just cause the slaughter has become the addiction.

21.08.2009

[[ Inspired by Nine Inch Nails album "Ghosts I-IV". ]]

Perfect Waves

Perfect waves collide now
We all must stay and watch
How predators fall

There is silence and you
Sleep the night away
The loss, the pain
We dive in

Devolution controls our minds
We have fire inside
And that’s all for nothing
Until you won’t catch the tide

Halo

Flat surface have been folded up
Count me out,
The ideal day have turned into a lie
It has collapsed and suffocated

I’ve embowered by scales
And idiopathic sickness floods in
And halo radiates from my darker half
Wasting the life, the sight

Choices take me into nightmare
And halo gives another false signal
In human mind decomposes the social truth
Illusions are dismissed
Once the brutality and rage will be our only God

Automation have become the life raft
Everything for sale
Watch me burn, in silent death
And the halo

And the halo is too slow to crawl
To save our failure and breakdown
To watch us drown

[[ Old. ]]

Day Two

How old will you be,
when shadows of yours have gone away
& everything is in such a mess?.
How old will you grow
when the sunsets have begun to scream?.

Always, I can see
candles on the counting line.
Always, I can see
seeds are falling. With no wings on.
[[ No wings. ]]

& i woke up today,
feeling that something is wrong.
Something unknown,
yet more familiar, than
friends face behind the frozen window,
[[ observating. ]]

& I don’t know,
where to take the next stop.
I say, is my path sour, but still sweet?.
[[ Yes, sweet. ]]

Yes, your hands inside the eyes.
My eyes.
Inside the heart & the stone.

Be dead, if you’ll never say: “I love you!”
Just be dead & gone!.

& I will never say, that pain is
our salvation.
Tactical action.

It is not. It is not.

& even cornfields have marriages.
& lies. & unfaithfulness.
& snow. & white noise inside.
Not only us, you see!?.
& now they don’t have no air to breath.
‘Cause human race have poisoned them.
‘Cause human race is the voodoo poison.
Yes, they are!.

& dead boys’ vision on the window.

I was smokin’ then.
Colours paddling on the fence,
but the ground has no green leaves anymore.
Face it. The winter is coming.
Oh colour the small world.
World of Little Prince.
& then suck it!.
Right after sunsets.

Right after: “Everyone are in bed now.
It is time for a boogie man!.”
Close your eyes. He will be there.
But no promise I take.
I won’t, ’cause I am better.
I am.

& weed is starving my mind.
taking the whole world.
& I am in love again.
I have dreams.

& I spit now. No blood in there.
Just in case, I see my drained heart and careworned face.
Hello I say.

Must I really thank you 4 that?.

& I am a faggot & you are not.
a drug dealer & you are not.
& I am happy.
‘Cause I will be better.
‘Cause I will be better.
Different I say.

I spill a tear, when I need to cry.
& with no shame.
& I won’t answer to the
questions you deffenetly have 4 me.

& shadows have no palce to hide.
You don’t want to see them,
’cause they are the truth about you.

& about me.

[[ This piece is picked from the past. ]]

Chemical Disease

I am not better without you.
As a creator of thousands,
thousands of flies.

Squeeze.
Rush over maniacal tomorrow.
It is the chemical disease.

Chop it all off.

Broken wings.
Misunderstood.

ME.

I take the medicine,
chemical disease.
To feel plastic again
or to see, how it all dies
between the flies under my skin.

…listen to the beat of their scars,
listen to the beat of mine,
passing…

Day One

My strains and flowers inside the vain.
I know. You really were there,
before the door was closed,
before the dawn drifted into the universe.
You were mine.
Inside the blue bottle.
I tell you.
My visions can’t stop me craving,
’cause I am better,
’cause I am.
& sin lives inside me,
weeping a net 4 salvation & reincarnation.
I am insane.
Street lamps grow & swallow the rain.

Insanity.

I AM BEST DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY

Full vision. Step on the road.
Don’t walk away.
You are not that strong
You are not!.
Fuck you!.

I am better, I am!.
I am different from you.
‘Cause you are ugly inside.
& ’cause I left everything aside.

Thank you!.

[[ This piece is picked from past. ]]

9 Crimes

A natural disaster has 9 crimes.
A sense of purity.
Like acoustic act of the voice.

All that we need is a prayer
for all the right reasons.
Get away from the fire of the sun
& the time has hidden heart behind closed doors.
Believe.
This is the secret of the need.
There is changing of times.
A city of evil.
Come back & check your colony.
Two million soldiers.

Falling away from memories.
Falling away from the house of secrets.
It is meeting with myself.
It is how the darkness came into my basement,
he drew black oranges on my black plate.
This is my own prison.
An anatomy of nightmares.

Wait!.
There are other open doors to pass by.
Another out of space experience.
And the trees are holding their last breathe
in the basement of seasons.
Seventeen days to die, to control the feeling
that I might finally become seer.

But there is somebody outside.
Behind these doors.
Waiting.
But there is somebody.
Someday.
Sometimes.

Incarnation

It’s the beginning of the macrocosm,
the finish of the Judgment day.
On her hands weights strangers blood.
Their wail echoes through the mechanism.

Someone breaths inside her shell.
As a plague it follows her,
when she drowns again.
Tranquility fades into tomorrow,
but the Ambrosius’ shadows stay still.

Catching the bottom, it waits for her.
Hollow stranger, volcanic eyes bleeding fire.

Melancholy grows inside her.
A porcelain doll with no face.
Violatedwomb.
A demon – growing and seeding its roots.
Weaving net for her lepidopterous incarnation.

[[ For this story, she used materials from the diary. May, 2006th. ]]

20.08.2009

Oracles of God

Three little girls
with skulls in their hands.
Paralyzed by the poison
in their stitched veins.
They have all the answers
programmed in their eyes.

Lay your head on the pillow
& close these burdened eyes.
We play the blanket in your pouring ears
made of bones & nervs
& watch in mercyless silence
how you
fall
back
into the realm
of our nested mousetraps.

Your lips move in the monologue with God,
the words are written on these
white hospital walls
with
blood.

You don’t care, when we pour
it from your open chest.
You don’t care, ’cause you don’t feel.
You don’t care, ’cause you don’t feel.

You don’t care…

20.08.2009

Morning Silence

my violence has become loud
it whispers through these walls
what should be shelter of mine
my pale skin
my shadowed eyes
my wisdom
a lie!.
all lie. every shattered tear
will be ripped apart
and my inner savage
will be released to this world
and my treason has become my damnation
a burden to carry
through dreams
and through reality
all lost spirits, i have eaten their hearts
i have carried their memories
i have murdered their trust
just to fill my craving

in these mornings
when silence becomes a part of my
inner delusions
in these mornings
my skin is falling away
a skeleton
a mask
a reflecion
this is all whats left of me
the truth behind a lie
and all my fallen angels moan
for the victory and the death
for the sorrow and the memory

My Heaven Of Farewell, My Heaven Of Thurst

the life is burning
and all birds have lost their wings
ash of the moon
have covered the earth
diseases of all mankind
are wandering between
the blind
and
the seer

my heaven of farewell
then and forever

the skin is crawling back
i’m naked in front of all seraphs
rotting from inside to out
collecting flesh from bones
tearing apart
the hope
and
the faith

my heaven of thurst
now and ever

Stonehearted

i am stonehearted,

a prisoner of time.

no one can free me.
i drift through perfect dark
and i wont be coming back.

i am the frost.

winter lives in my heart
and simbelmynes grow on my pale snow.
i keep counting these days
when all angels had their halo
and im wandering on their edge of blade

suddenly, i hear you, my misery
my only friend in the cage of era
you sing to me a serenade
silently, wandering in my deepest abyss

suddenly, i fear you, my prisoner
my only enemy in this infinity of hell
you whisper to me a blessing
and i will know
this darkness of mine shall be eternal

Surrender

No respect. No honesty.
Duplicity.
Be the best. Be tolerant. Be sane.
Be a shell with no life.
Be a fucking slave.

This is her anger managment.
Having a seed of hate
growing inside her twisted spine.

Bravery hidden in self mutation and ache.
Tolerant to suffer in numb agony
of no salvation and surrender.
Dieing only for Their need.
Collecting pieces of placebo,
when They have sent her for another deed.

Craveing for hope,
no mask, no games to play.
The End.
Craveing for respect,
no lies, no hidden self delusions.

Never give in for Their secret visions.
Never were there for her,
Never has been better than another,
Never cared how she got all these bruises,
Never asked…

…. why she never comes home,
…. why she never says no to another glass dream,
…. why she never shows her true face,
…. why she never felt like wanted.

Slayed innocence.
Invisible.
Dissapeared.
Unwanted.
A Fucking Parasite.

City and streets as a playground,
broken dolls and old trees to climb.
Betrayal begun from the age two.
Another bloodbond. Another mouth to feed.
Betrayal continued on a backyard,
over fences, between bushes and on streets.
In games of suffocation and anarchy.
A childhood maffia. A childhood mindrape.

Bitter

Why she bothers, when there is knowing,
these delicate games never remain?.
Another wound.
Another burnt mark under her skin.

Hold her, ’til she decays.
Hold her cracked hands & kiss these swollen eyes.
Close her soul with your stitched lips.
Catch her last breath like useless insect,
trash these wings and watch it to suffer.
3 grams of a soul.
Worthless and unnecessary.

The mission is unfinished.
Give her a name &
let her….

… bless the dead.

[[ Tribute to Otep. ]]

2005 May

The room is breathing in.
Walls swell and rot.
The windows are speaking
their own lifequiet language.

I am me.
There is no one identical and more pure.
A stupid, blind lie.
Thought of the human race, pig-headed and false.

[[ Tribute to Otep. ]]

2005 March

Wanting to live…
… heavy loyalty for nothing.

Someone is there. Inside.
Corroding. Eating.
Deeper.

… wanting to swallow Their needs.
Taste it with bonepepper and bloodchilli.

The slaughter, another after every five days.

[[ Tribute to Otep. ]]

Three Years

There are a little more than
three years left for me.

He tries to make me feel amused
when I have it all made up in my little head.
No one will ever broke the secret.

Soon it stops to rain
& the world will burn in flames.

All the birds and monsters
will become small little bigs
and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.
There ain’t nothing you can do about it!.

Yes, remind me every lie you once told.
In these past & future games
there ain’t no mirror for your true reflection.

Death is the only answer.
Death is the true beginning.
After death the God will push the
button “Play” once again.